11 Ways Parents Can Build Athlete Resilience by Improving Outlook

 

Parents have the tendency to want to ‘fix’ things for their athletes by offering their help or their opinion on challenging situations. But while that may feel necessary and satisfying, it’s rarely the best way to improve your athlete’s ability to be resilient.

Board-certified family physician and TrueSport Expert Deborah Gilboa, MD, explains that helping your athlete change their outlook—how they view any situation—is key in building resilience. If you can help your athlete learn to shift their outlook to see opportunities and solutions in challenging moments on the playing field, they’ll be able to bounce back from tough situations in every area of their lives. Your goal, as Gilboa explains it, is to offer your athlete a different perspective on an experience that will allow them to consider their outlook and reframe it.

Here are ways you can make an impact:

1. Stop Trying to Change the Narrative

“Parents often default to trying to change the narrative their athletes have about their experience,” says Gilboa. For example, if your athlete tells you that they played poorly, your immediate reaction might be to tell them that they did great. According to Gilboa, “This is an understandable reaction, but it rarely helps the athlete change their outlook.”

2. Start with Validation

Before you can help your athlete reframe an experience in a more positive or neutral light, you must start by validating their current outlook, says Gilboa. This doesn’t mean you need to agree with them—just that you need to allow them to express it and show that you’re actually listening. “A child isn't going to be able to shift their outlook until you validate the outlook that they currently hold,” she says. “This doesn’t mean you agree. Parents tend to think that if they can point out another way of viewing the situation or explain it in a different way, the athlete’s outlook can change. But often, that makes an athlete feel unseen and misunderstood.” Instead, respond to your athlete in a neutral way, saying things like, "I hear that really has your attention,” or “I hear that you’re frustrated” to demonstrate that you’re listening, but not judging.

3. Give Athletes Space as Needed

Knowing your athlete’s preferences is important when it comes to helping them improve their outlook because some athletes need space to feel their emotions privately before sharing, while others are happy to talk through their feelings on the drive home from practice. As a parent, try to respect your child’s need for space, says Gilboa. If your athlete needs some quiet contemplation time or wants to talk about something else for a while, let them. Trying to force a conversation is likely to put your athlete on the defensive rather than being receptive. “Treat them not in the way you would like to be treated or how you wish they'd like to be treated, but how you think they would actually like to be treated after a rough experience,” Gilboa says.

4. Calm Yourself Down

If your athlete shares a hard story—for example, if a coach or teammate said something hurtful to them—it’s natural to have your own strong emotions as their parent or guardian. However, your athlete needs a calm, level reaction from you, rather than an explosion. “Try not to allow yourself to spiral out of control,” says Gilboa. “It’s easy to get worked up at the idea of your athlete going through a hard time. But what they need from you is a calm, safe space to talk through their feelings.” You may need to take a few deep breaths, distract yourself by running through your to-do list in your head, or simply put on a song that you and your athlete both love and say you need a minute to get into a better headspace.